ME, UNDILUTED...

I am a very difficult person. Absolutely complex and simple at the same time. I am either very passionate or completely indifferent. I believe in "All or nothing". Either like something or despise it. Either I trust completely or not at all. Either I take you as a friend or you are just an acquaintance. Either I will give everything or nothing at all. Either I immerse myself in love or not at all.

There are these few lines I read somewhere and for once in my life I was awestruck. For the first time I read something that was absolutely me. Just me..

I am going to try and write those lines here with as much authenticity as I can muster, but I might not remember all the words correctly.

"Before falling in love with me, you must know about the constant meltdowns, and the nights of endless tears. You must know about my damaged heart, and my broken soul. Be aware that I never sleep at night, and sometimes I talk in my sleep. You must know about my need for your love, as well as my distant personality and constant fear of losing you. And know about my terrible fear of creepy crawlies, and the way I eat too fast for my own good.

But once you fall in love with that part of me, you can fall in love with my tender smile and warm embrace. You can fall in love with the way I'll warm your hands in mine, and tickle your feet with my toes. You can fall in love with the way I make you soup when you're sick, and how I'll kiss you when you get hurt. Fall in love with the way I laugh, and the soft spoken words of encouragement I'll give to you. You can either fall in love with me as a whole, or not love me at all."

These lines were by Julie Martinez I think and I have never read something that I have ever related to this strongly. I am very difficult to figure out, almost impossible to understand. I am unpredictable but you can predict my next move if you hear me out. I appreciate good listeners as I am one myself. More than once I will find myself in impossible situations, but I am an avoider. I avoid everything till I can, and sometimes even beyond a capacity. That does not mean I can't face the truth it just means I do not want to find myself buried deeply in it.

There are people who always ask me, "how do you survive in the real world?" My answer to them, I do pretty well. I wear rose coloured glasses and see the world through a pink eying glass. I prefer to see only good. I am not a saint, far from it, I hate people, I am sarcastic and also snide when I need to be, but it hurts me to be like that. I hate a few things vigorously and when someone does any of the things I hate, I hate them instantly. I believe in giving people 100+ chances, but once my trust is broken I will forget yet never forgive. I have a high tolerance level, I can keep getting hurt by the same person over and over again and not hurt them back, also be there when they need someone.

I  love being quiet, and I could do that all day, like literally. I am happy being invisible (absolutely impossible with the way I am built). I would rather not make conversation with anyone. That does not make me depressed. I am good, content with myself.  I don't ever feel lonely, unless of course I do not have even one book. I yearn for attention from very few people in this world others just make me uncomfortable. When those people do not give me their attention I lash out at them, though that usually never happens. I never stop feeling something for someone. I will love, like, respect you even if you have done a despicable thing and no one likes you.

Chivalry is something I can't do without. Though now a days it is hard to find, but I fall hard and fast for people with chivalry. That does not mean I have a crush on or like someone who holds the door open for me of offers to pick up the cheque, but it impresses me without a doubt. Looks do not matter to me, even though more often than not you would find me talking to my girlfriends about someone being hot, but that probably would be a way for me to make conversation. I yearn for people who can make intellectual conversation, also who can talk about something other than cricket or politics. Someone who is well read, not over read. Especially people who are OK with silences and do not find them awkward.

I hate going for parties, but I love dancing. I wish there would be discos that would open, that wouldn't serve drinks. That way you could have a blast without being weary of some stranger trying to rub up against you. I love bollywood music, the shadier the better. I hate explaining myself or my decisions, I literally feel it is beneath my dignity to do so. So if I have explained myself to you, you are very special. I don't drink, not because I haven't tried it, but because I believe in having a high that lasts you a lifetime and not for a couple of hours. I do not shy away from ordering coffee in nightclub and walking around with it like it is the most expensive thing on the planet amidst all the stares.

I am addicted to coffee, I need it. Being called FAT makes me cry, but on some level I do not care about being accepted or not. I love clicking pictures, of myself, with my friends, of the things around me, some people would mistake that for vanity or attention seeking behaviour. But I do that because I love capturing moments. The days I think I look nice (mind you there are very few) I make it a point to click a picture, just to remind myself when I feel low. I am old school, I love letters, old songs, old movies, old clothes, pictures, books , memories, everything!

Liking me or loving me is liking or loving all of this and much more. I have quirks, I have major drawbacks and I am not even a percent close to being perfect. I have grown through the years, a lot of my innocence has been taken away from me, but I have gained a lot. I do not wish to change for anyone, yet I do not impose my taste on everyone. "To each his own" is a motto I live by, and expect everyone to do the same.