Well, it's Christmas 2022

Writing came to me easily. It was also easy to give myself a deadline and then follow through. But then I got hit with a couple of terrible, terrible years. First, there was uncertainty and then came a hectic schedule and it was easier to let go of the writing thing. And then a real tragedy struck. Everything I knew about myself flew out of the window, along with everything I like. My favourite person decided to bow out and took with him everything I thought I was good at. This, right here, is taking the life out of me and has been a few weeks in the making. But this is the first time I have gotten this far, and that seems promising.

As this year comes to an end, I finally feel like I would like to hope. Hope that happiness is around the corner somewhere and that I can find it again. Hope that I locate my faith in God that I have lost completely. Hope that the 30 years I did get with my father would be enough for the next 30 years that I have to live without him and hope that someday in the next year when someone asks me, “How are you?”, I can say I am fine, and really mean it.

And now for the lessons…


I learnt that I am more like my father than I would like to admit to myself or anyone else.

I learnt that the strength I possess is also my weakness.

I learnt that when you’re strong, people forget to ask if you need something.

I learnt that people eventually move on.

I also learnt that when people do move on, you feel a whole lot of resentment towards them.

I learnt that family cannot always be trusted to support you.

I also learnt that friends sometimes become your family.

I learnt that having expectations from people is what causes relationships of all kinds to break.

I learnt that if you don't expect things from someone, you are always pleasantly surprised and that's always better than feeling brutally disappointed.

I learnt that I am much better at maintaining long-distance friendships than I am with ones in close proximity.

I learnt that you are always in charge of the choices you make.

I learnt that the choices you make will not sit right with the people around you, and that’s okay.

I learnt that I am a much better anchor but I do not have an anchor yet.

I learnt that grief comes and goes in massive waves.

I learnt that when I am riding that wave I feel resentment towards everyone who is not riding it.

I learnt that the only way I forget the pain is when my life is running on autopilot.

I learnt that memories are sometimes self-inflicted wounds. They’re not always good, even the happy ones.

I learnt that in the right environment, I can actually be really good at my job.

I learnt that numbness is also an emotion and should be felt, with complete honesty.

I learnt that saying I miss you and I love you and not hearing them back hurts like a sharp knife slicing through your stomach when you’re in a state of numbness.

I learnt that sometimes talking to new people who don’t know you for long and don’t know your baggage is actually JUST what you need.

I learnt that forgiveness isn’t easy to give, but it is something that is needed to be worked on.


And finally, I learnt that my father is my favourite parent, and his leaving will always be the most painful thing that will ever happen to me.

Here’s to a hopeful 2023 for the rest of you, and a not-hopeless one for me.