The justification conundrum
There was a time when I was younger (and even now, who am I kidding) when I would rush and want to justify when I would hear hearsay.
Complicated? Let me explain.
There were a lot of times in my life when someone or the other would say something about me to someone else, and I would hear it from a completely different someone else. I would rush, go out of my way, either to justify myself to the person who began this whole cycle or justify myself to the people who mattered.
Then I realised something excruciatingly painful, that now in hindsight seems like a lesson I should have learnt anyway. 'Justification is needed, only when you're already guilty'.
The thing is, hearsay or not, people talk about people when they are sure that what they've thought about you is true. They have made up their minds that you have done something wrong and that you are the person you are made out to be. That damage is already done. You, by justifying, are only solidifying their notion in their head, because it looks like you are guilty.
Hearsay hurts, but it isn't ever because of the things being said. It is because of who says those things and hurts even more because of who believes them. It is a psychological response to start swimming and doing damage control as soon as you start seeing people who mattered in your life believing things about you that aren't true. So you justify things as a means of keeping those people around.
The people in your life who truly know and understand you, will not believe hearsay and even if they do, they will always give you the benefit of the doubt. I know I sound like a self-help guru right now, but take it from someone who has justified herself at every step, that people who want to believe or do believe the crap about you, aren't the people who wanted to believe you were good anyway.
Know this, the person who is slated to be a permanent fixture in your life will just know that you don't need to justify yourself. I am learning this for now, so should you!
Complicated? Let me explain.
There were a lot of times in my life when someone or the other would say something about me to someone else, and I would hear it from a completely different someone else. I would rush, go out of my way, either to justify myself to the person who began this whole cycle or justify myself to the people who mattered.
Then I realised something excruciatingly painful, that now in hindsight seems like a lesson I should have learnt anyway. 'Justification is needed, only when you're already guilty'.
The thing is, hearsay or not, people talk about people when they are sure that what they've thought about you is true. They have made up their minds that you have done something wrong and that you are the person you are made out to be. That damage is already done. You, by justifying, are only solidifying their notion in their head, because it looks like you are guilty.
Hearsay hurts, but it isn't ever because of the things being said. It is because of who says those things and hurts even more because of who believes them. It is a psychological response to start swimming and doing damage control as soon as you start seeing people who mattered in your life believing things about you that aren't true. So you justify things as a means of keeping those people around.
The people in your life who truly know and understand you, will not believe hearsay and even if they do, they will always give you the benefit of the doubt. I know I sound like a self-help guru right now, but take it from someone who has justified herself at every step, that people who want to believe or do believe the crap about you, aren't the people who wanted to believe you were good anyway.
Know this, the person who is slated to be a permanent fixture in your life will just know that you don't need to justify yourself. I am learning this for now, so should you!
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